A Return to Love
It is difficult to let go of the images we create about how an experience is supposed to be, how our lives are supposed to turn out. This journey I am on has looked nothing like what I’d imagined it to be. Yes, there have been adventures through mountains and rivers, there have been small sacred moments shared with people I know for only a blip of time, and there has been a boatload of getting lost. All of these were aspects of the journey I hoped and knew would come. Aspects I could not have predicted include: loving a place so much that I return time and time again despite how far I must travel, summating 2 volcanoes, ice climbing a glacier, diving for the first time on an island off the coast of Brazil with some of my dearest friends, beginning to love a nice meal alone with a book, and of course falling in love with a man within the first few weeks of my journey.
The topic of this entry begins there, but it does not end there because I did not merely fall in love with this man, I have fallen in love with the world and I have fallen in love with the version of myself I have become here.
After I left Pucon and made my way south, Osiel and I made a plan via WhatsApp to reunite and go on a camping trip through south-central Argentina. There were some mountain towns across the border and east of Pucon that I had wanted to visit and that he wanted to return to. The idea of seeing him again got me through many dark moments as I grappled with loneliness and shivered in my tiny yellow tent in Patagonia. As with all the plans we look forward to, the time up until that moment stood still and I had some moments where I thought to myself, “I’m insane. Do I even love this man? What if what I felt with him was only an outcome of the wonder and spontaneity of travel? What if I just created this in my head? Am I missing out on opportunities? Is this living up to what I set out to do here?” When I stepped off the bus and found myself in his arms again, all these worries vanished and the world stood still once more. The humming returned. The internal silence that mutes out the harsh sounds of a crowded bus station returned.
We set off on the road trip with our camping gear, a starting point, an ending point, and a list of mountains to climb along the way. We woke up early each morning and set out for the day seeking out challenging, yet rewarding routes followed by dips in cold rivers and always powered by chocolate. The region of Argentina we traveled through, from San Martin de Los Andes to El Bolson, is renowned for chocolate and ice cream making. Of course, there were moments when, hungry and tired, we were less patient with each other than we could have been, but we always returned to that calmness that each of us created for the other. There was a popped tire and a night of miserable freeze-dried meals and some not-so-ideal campsites, but each mishap ended in laughter and I never wanted to be anywhere but where I was with him. I never once felt like I couldn’t let myself be hangry or frustrated or tired. Without saying anything he already knew. I am sensitive to his energy and he to mine in a way I have not experienced with a partner.
My favorite 48 hours were spent back on the Chilean side, climbing up Osorno volcano, soaking my sore feet in a cold lake, laying in the sun next to Osiel as we chugged our Mote con Huesillos, waking up next to the Huilo Huilo river and taking a morning plunge in the natural pools, and eating breakfast in the Mapuche market, empty in the morning’s stillness.
One day, as I sat beside Rio Azul in El Bolson, I closed my eyes in meditation and listened to the water flowing over stones and dropping back into itself. In the darkness of my closed eyes I pictured a giant fountain, continuously filling and overflowing in one succinct motion. This fountain is my life- coming and going, giving and receiving, contracting and expanding all at once. This experience with Osiel fits in well with the notion that nothing is permanent. All we have is now and we do not know what (if anything) is next. When I begin to overthink this, to analyze the possible outcomes, or toy with “what ifs” I lose sight of what is right in front of me.
When I opened my eyes from this meditation I was able to look at my life in simple terms. I experienced an astounding clarity there as I looked up at the canopied trees. What I want in life is to wake up amongst trees in a space where I can breathe deeply far away from the rat race. I want to express my creativity, explore, and learn daily. I want to be part of a culture shift, one that inspires people to connect deeply with themselves, others, and the world, to step outside of what they know, and discover a new way of being. I want to share stories with others and hear their stories. All of this connects somehow and I am on the brink of uncovering it. I wrote that day,
“It is on the tip of my tongue and the saliva builds up on the sides of my mouth as I get closer to tasting it, to taking that full, delicious, unrestrained bite of a life that calls to me.”
Upon our return, I stayed in Pucon for over a week and got used to the daily routines of staying in one place long enough to let it become a part of me. My days included walking to Spanish class in the mornings, stopping by my favorite fruiterilla, long strolls into town, doing work at a local coffee shop, and finding new trails to explore on foot. My evenings were spent with Osiel, enjoying dinner, watching sunsets at La Plata, blasting music through the house, and visiting hot springs. Here, I discovered the beauty of knowing someone who feeds my adventurous side, as well as my still side, who can climb mountains with me as well as spend the day lying side by side doing nothing.
I have a dear friend who just married the love of her life. She shared a part of her wedding vows and as I read them I began to cry. She talks about her fear of living a “normal life,” of losing her dreams and independence. When she met her husband she felt more free and in tune with herself and her dreams seemed entirely possible. This is exactly what I want for myself and I have glimpsed it here with Osiel. He has supported me in a way that has allowed me to feel the lightness of freedom, total self-love, and expression, which has made me believe that anything I want for my life is entirely possible. The opportunity I’ve had to witness this love is enough.
Outside of this romantic love I have found, I have experienced a window into my soul and an impenetrable reminder that magic exists in the world, that I can find it, create it, encourage it, taste it. Change begins with the ability to love and accept ourselves, others, and the world around us. This is the glimmer that, when shared, turns into a full, vibrant and sparkling picture.
